Am I Too Mean?

I thought I knew what loneliness is, but after getting to know a special person, I know I have been horribly short in my experience of loneliness.

I have never been completely devoid of friends or completely ignored, isolated and avoided by people around me.

He is so lonely...

But not this person. He has few friends, and people normally avoid him.

It really pains me a lot to see him alone. 

His face was written with loneliness. The loneliness was so intense that my heart wrenched when I see him. It was so obvious. I recognise it instantly. I know that expression.

It is an expression which I am most sensitive to, and can detect easily, because I myself have been subjected to the terrible feeling known as loneliness many times.

But him, he is different. His face and behaviour imply that he has been lonely for a long time.

He seeks desperately for friendship and companionship, but sadly his efforts are not working.

He remains lonely.

I hate myself for this. I thought I was kind and sociable.

But even I am reluctant to say hi or speak to him.

I avoid him.

I hate myself for doing this. I don't want to experience loneliness. Therefore I should make other people not feel lonely as well.

But I won't. Not I can't, I can easily do this. But I won't do it. 

I am selfish. I am not kind. I enjoy being in the company of my friends while watching him being lonely.

I really hate myself  for doing this to him.

I know this lonely person. He is my acquaintance. But I won't socialise with him.

I am a monster for doing this.

For all the crap I have said about me being lonely, it was all but pure ignorance and stupidity.

I do not know the true feeling of being terribly lonely. He knows, he is sad, and yet I won't help him.

I am not a good person. I hate myself.

I am mean and I am twisted. I am horrible, sometimes.

I really admire the people who approach this lonely person. This lonely person has some qualities which make other people avoid him. But he is definitely not a bad person. He might even be a better person than me. It is just that his appearance and odd behaviour make people avoid him.

The people who befriend this lonely person are really kind. They are the true kind people.

They can ignore his odd speaking and behaviour and continue be friends with him.

These people are really kind. I am not.

I hope that I can rectify this. I want to help people. And being selfish is the wrong way to do it.
Next time when I see him, the least I can do is say hi.
I want to try to understand him.
I don't want him to be lonely.
Loneliness is different from solitude. Solitude is great, but loneliness is really painful.
It pains, it really pains. And I don't want him to experience it.

I am sorry. I will try to be nicer next time. I am so sorry that I am so mean.
I don't expect anything from you, so I just wrote this post to let you know the things I normally don't have the courage to say.
I hope that some day, you will find more happiness, and you won't be lonely anymore.
I am sure, somewhere out there, there are people suited for you.
As for me, I will try to be friendly. I promise.
I will try to not avoid you, and to say hi, to speak with you and to help you if you ask for it.
I am sorry, but I am trying to improve.
I will be better.

Someday you will see a brighter sunlight, and you will have worthy people sitting beside you to see the sunlight.